I’ve hurt you. I’ve hurt you deeply. I have done damage to our relationship that I don’t know if I can ever make up for. That wall, the one when I hit it I feel so hurt about is a wall I built. And we both have to live with that. I have blocked out so thoroughly anything that might make me feel bad about myself, which is selfish. And I hate that it took our conversation last night to really realize how badly I’ve done and how much you have fought and sacrificed for our relationship. It breaks my heart that you can’t feel a closeness to me that you’ve felt with others especially since I know how much you love me. How worth your sacrifice and forgivness you must think I am to still be here. I know that I can’t take it back. And I can’t change it. But I promise you, I will never hurt you like that again. I will do everything I can to show you that I am a safe person for you, that I will not betray you, that I will punish you or exploit the imbalance that you feel. And I hope that over time because I plan on having you for all of it, I can be the safest place for you. That you will feel closer to me than to anyone. And you won’t feel an imbalance anymore. I will fight for this, I will sacrifice for this. I will do anything and everything I can to make that a reality because I love you. And I want desperately to deserve how much you love me.
The way you and your wife have made me feel, is a way I never want to feel again and would never want my children to feel.
Today has been nothing but rough. I tried to make it good. I did. But it has still been complete and utter shit. I’m being avoided. Kind of like how I am avoiding a family full of problems. I just wanted to be comforted today. I just wanted to feel your support. I just wanted to be close to you. And yet here I am alone in bed. And I’m hiding on another URL so you won’t see this.
Mondays really are the worst.